seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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