so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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