did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
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That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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