I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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