The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
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We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
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just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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