so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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