Dude my mom stole all your condoms
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize