We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
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It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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