at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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