Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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