1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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