epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
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I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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