I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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