I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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