Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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