I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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