I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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