Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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