I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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