Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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