i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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