my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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