My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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