the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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