I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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