cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize