i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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