someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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