I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
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I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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