someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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