you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
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He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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