Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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