If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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