I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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