weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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