At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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