So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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