Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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