if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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