He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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