Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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