i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
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The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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