so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
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Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I love you. Go after that dick
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