they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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