Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
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At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I woke up under a house in Key West
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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