I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my phone needs a breathalizer
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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