I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's shark week go big or go home
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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