no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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