And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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