A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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